Mystery - Hakan Nesser - Mind's Eye (1993)

Ah, Sweden. So many great things come out of you. Minecraft, Swedish Chef, Stieg Larsson (full disclosure: I've never read one of his books, but I hear they're popular?), Pirate Bay... uh, Minecraft... Listen, there's a lot about Sweden I don't know. But does that mean I can't read a mystery translated from Swedish?

Apparently.

Don't get me wrong. I get that this is supposed to be really good. But because my formative reading years were spent steeped in the lore of R.L. Stine, I can't help but prefer mysteries that I can try to figure out on my own, not waiting for the author to reveal it all with some information he withheld.

And listen, I know that maybe they do mysteries differently abroad. But for about seven-eighths of the book, I had no goddamn idea who the bad guy was supposed to be, and the last eighth was spent explaining how this guy was the bad guy.

Let me paint the picture for you: A guy wakes up super hungover and having blacked out a lot of what happened the night before. He discovers his wife dead in the bathtub. The trial follows and he is convicted of having killed her, primarily because it doesn't seem like anyone else could have. Then he winds up dead in his room at the mental institution, where he had been sent because he couldn't remember whether he had killed her or not.

There were a few things that could have made this better, and I'm taking it on faith that it wasn't just lost in translation. (For the record, this isn't the first translated novel I've ever read. That would be Battle Royale by Koushun Takami. So I do have an idea of what a good translation can do.)

The first thing that would have been nice is if the main character, Inspector Van Veeteren, had been sure all throughout the trial that Janek Mitter had killed his wife. Then, when he turns up dead later, we could have had some development in the form of questioning his resolution and being unsure of his ability to do his job. It would have been nice, at least.

The second thing? Some goddamn proper nouns. For fuck's sake. A lot of chapters, a lot of chapters, begin by talking about "he". Who the fuck is he? You have an almost exclusively male cast. Who the fuck is he?! I had to frequently skim ahead a couple paragraphs and even pages in order to get a single idea of who was being talked about here and there. If Nesser didn't specify in the original text, I would not have been grumpy if the translator had slipped a couple proper nouns at the beginning of those chapters so we as readers wouldn't be sitting there shouting "Huh?".

The third thing I mentioned already. I prefer mysteries that, if I really sat and thought about, I could maybe figure it out. And if I couldn't, it being clear enough that I can go "Ohhh" and complete understand where the author was going. In this case, the author divulges a bunch of unknown information at the end that made no sense in relation to the rest of the book. Incestual affairs? Since when? And it's some character we haven't even had mentioned yet in the story? Go to jail.

It's obviously not the worst book in the world, but I didn't find it super great. I was also irritated with how preoccupied with badminton Inspector Van Veeteren was while trying to do his job. Listen. I don't give a shit. Solve the mystery, dammit.

3.0/10

Fantasy - A. Lee Martinez - Divine Misfortune (2010)

I have a confession. You know that saying, "Don't judge a book by its cover"? I totally do. What do you expect from me? The cover is on the outside. Sure, I judge a book after it's in my hands on the synopsis on the back, or maybe even the first page, but it's the cover that gets it into my hand. I'm not proud of this. But it's worked well for me over the years. And with this one, a giant fist descending from heaven to crush a tiny man, I had to pick it up.

In case you can't tell from the title and cover, this book is not for the religious types. Not ones who can't laugh at the whole establishment, anyway. And certainly not ones who can't read science texts if they don't preach your church's version of the creation of everything, or consume any media if it doesn't reaffirm your particular sect of religion to be the right one.

However, this book is just right for me, an atheist. Hearts!

The premise of this tale is that society is driven by a partnership between humans and the immortal gods they worship. People pay tribute in various forms to their god: blood, sacrifice, money, services, lodgings, food; and then the gods work within their own realm to favor their follower. The main characters, Phil and Teri, are in the market for a god, so of course they turn to a god-follower matchmaking website on the internet. They sign up for the services of Luka, a raccoon luck god, who shows up on their doorstep with a suitcase. Hilarity ensues. Also, there is a primordial god of oblivion and chaos who hates him and a goddess of heartbreak torturing some hapless girl.

Did I mention that this book is fucking hilarious?

During the course of the book, there were several genuine LOL moments for me. In no particular order:

• Hades losing at a ninja video game to Phil
• Horrors of hell resigning themselves to watching a baseball game
• Chaos god referring to his followers as douchebags
• Zeus in a tracksuit

Did you catch that last one? Zeus. White flowing beard, big guy, lightning bolts, wearing a yellow tracksuit. Fucking awesome.

There were two books in particular that my mind kept calling back to: Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett, and Small Gods by Terry Pratchett. Good Omens was more set in modern times, like this book, so it matched up more for me. But it was Small Gods that gave me pause.

I've mentioned before the Black Jewels trilogy is my favorite series of books. What I didn't mention was that Small Gods, even being part of the Discworld series, is my favorite book. I won't get into it now, just in case there is a book drought for me and I have to go through and just reread the books I've already read, but it brought up questions of where the gods' powers come from, a question that is resolved in that book, and similarly answered in this book. It's a mechanic I love, and for that reason alone, you should get both of these books.

Divine Misfortune raises its own questions, which go mostly unsolved, but let for the reader to decide for themselves: in a world populated by humans and gods, who is responsible for what events? Oh man, it's just so delicious!

There is one, and exactly one, thing keeping this book from being a ten out of ten. The ending. Pfft. What utter bullshit. Have you ever heard the song by Lemon Demon, "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny"? Here's a link to a video if you need a reminder. The part right before Chuck Norris gets defeated by fucking everybody on the planet? That was essentially the ending. What a crap, cheap climax. It was shit.

Still, you should get it and read it. I mean, it's still getting a good score.

9.5/10

Fantasy - Gail Z. Martin - The Summoner (2007)

I got this book a while ago. I don't remember when. Within the past year, for certain. I know that I bought it primarily because my little brother Steve suggested I read it. That should have been my first hint as to how my experience with it would be. Guy loves high fantasy.

For the sake of full disclosure, I will tell you that I occasionally stopped reading this book in order to play The Witcher. Not the new one, the old, buggy-as-fuck one. And this book inspired me to buy it. Why?

Because this book is a video game. Sure, it has pages and words and goes on a bookshelf with other books and was purchased from a bookstore, but it's a video game. A role-playing game, to be exact. There are monsters traveling the wilds, several groups of human baddies to justify being in the wilderness in the first place, and scenes of such high magic followed by a blackout that it may as well have been a cutscene.

"But Tabetha," I can hear you say, "a lot of high fantasy follows that formula. Isn't that why you don't like it?" That's true, faceless and nonexistent blog reader. I do tend to dislike high fantasy on the fact that it is formulaic. But the more I think about D&D and the campaign I'm building, the less I'm beginning to mind high fantasy. It has its place. Unfortunately, that place is more often in games. And this book doesn't even get to be a book. It's a game.

The gang's all here: the exiled prince-turned-mage, a roster of interchangeable fighters, a flamboyant bard, the grumpy female healer, the chosen-one princess-paladin, even a trickster thief in the form of Berry. And their travels and adventures are straight out of any game. If this had been written as a script instead, it would have been out on Steam for everyone's enjoyment with little changes.

But you people aren't here for video games. You're here for book reviews. And honestly, with that wall of text up there about how this book is high fantasy, you shouldn't be surprised when I say that I didn't really enjoy it. The cast was too big for this author, who often had characters fade into the background so much that, when three characters left the main cast to go do something else, I didn't even notice. I thought they were just being quiet.

Two couples are made in the course of the book, and they are so predictable I wanted to choke and die. Of course the two people who fight a lot will bone. Of course the female chosen-one and male chosen-one are going to do it. Also, how many Chosen Ones are you going to have in one book? It's ridiculous.

The thing I hated the most about this book is the fact that this lady doesn't seem to know how to end chapters properly. Surely you've read a book or two in your lifetime? You know that a chapter is a length of book to mark at least one change to the story, at whatever length the author wishes. You also know that they usually end on a cliffhanger, in attempts to tempt the reader into moving on to the next chapter without stopping. That is, of course, the gold standard for writers: a reader who would rather read the whole thing in one sitting then do something else.

This lady doesn't understand that.

Many of the chapters, especially the early ones, have the climax happen in the middle of the chapter, and the resolution finding its own conclusion before the end of the chapter. Then the chapters usually end when a person goes to sleep. As a result, the reader has no stake in what happens next. Nothing is driving them to the next page. That was another reason I kept putting this down. Because, why shouldn't I? Why should I care about these cardboard cutouts?

1.5/10

Writing - Heather Sellers - Chapter after Chapter (2007)

I told you I have a lot of these. I even have a lot I haven't read. I will admit that I read about half of this one back when I bought it, but then it lost me. I read it all the way through this time.

Maybe the fact that this book is not for my situation has colored the way I feel about it. I don't really like it though. I'll get into why in a minute.

This book is the spiritual sequel to Sellers's first writing book, Page After Page, which is mostly about getting started writing as a practice and a habit. This book, however, is about writing your book. Sellers's way.

It may stem from my relationship with my parents (better, now, that I don't live with them), but I hate it when people tell me what to do and imply that it is their way or the highway. Sellers spends the last half of the book talking about how to keep on your book and how to then get it published. This includes not reading anything while actually writing the book (which can obviously take a year or more!), how to travel while in the midst of your book (make assignments for yourself every day and don't you dare enjoy your vacation), and how to not even think about any of the new ideas your musing brain may come up with while in a creative stance to write your story.

Normally, I would just remember that it's advice. This lady is not going to fly to Vegas from Michigan, beat down my door, and strangle me for not doing things her way. But she often bookends her advice about not doing things you like while writing with "if you want to be a real writer" or "if you ever want to finish" or even "if you ever want to publish".

If you're writing, you're a real writer. You can finish in your own way, at your own pace. Thousands of books get published every year. You're not going to miss out somehow just because you decide to spend your Florida vacation on the beach rather than in a darkened hotel room.

The first half of the book actually does address some of the anxieties writers have about their stories. Like how they might mess them up if they actually write them. Like wanting to write, but having to go to a child's birthday party, or celebratory dinner, or help your friends move, or whatever other obligations you may have. Like feeling like you should be writing, or doing something else, or working on one project or the other. But again, these are steeped in "this is what I do, so you should do it too, especially if you want to be a real writer". Like, do you volunteer and visit with your friends over lunch? Say goodbye to it. It's taking up too much of your time.

The part I think that I dislike the most is the part about the "Book 100". Sellers says that you should, before even starting on writing your story, read 100 books like it. List them all out, and read them all over the course of a year, taking copious notes on each one. And, if you can't easily list 100 books similar to yours, (by the way, you probably had to read them in the first place before to know this) then it's probably not a good idea.

Read that part again. If you cannot list a hundred books like yours, it's not a good idea. This is book writing on Sellers's terms.

I say, if you have a story in you right now, start it right now. Give it a shot. Don't wait until you've found and read a hundred books like it. And if you want to read while you write, have at. You may find new themes and concepts from the book you're reading that you want to incorporate into a book you're writing. Go to lunch with your friends. Have a life outside the writing room.

The reason I think that it may have gone over better with me is the fact that it is for a person in the middle of their story and floundering. I have a few started stories, but like I said in the last post, I haven't actually written in a long time. So the exercises in this quickly became irrelevant to me. I don't need something to help me finish something. I need something to get me back on the horse.

If that has colored my review somewhat, then so be it. All I know is that the last book had me excited about writing. This one made me feel cynical and like I shouldn't bother.

4.0/10

Writing - Jamie Cat Callan - The Writer's Toolbox (2007)

I think this is the first writing book I'm reviewing. You may not know this, but I have a ton of these things. Not boxes full of stuff. I only have two of those.

Except for this blog, regrettably I haven't written for a while. It was my job, and also the wedding, and also my depression and anxiety. But now I'm unemployed, married, and on Celexa, so I figured it was time to stop with the excuses.

And if you have writer's block, this is fucking amazing.

The book inside is a scant 60 pages long, but it's mostly an instruction manual for the goodies inside the box, which include Popsicle sticks, a deck of cards, a three-minute hourglass, and spinning palettes you would otherwise think are more suited to kids learning their addition or times tables.

But they aren't normal items. The Popsicle sticks have first lines on them, lines to start new scenes, and even something to spark the conflict in a story. The cards have ideas and senses on them, so you can dive into description or use one as a starting off point. The palettes have protagonists, their goals, what's standing in their way, and how they try to get around that. All in all, it's a pretty robust set of inspiration tools for any stuck writer hoping to fill a notebook with some ideas to mine through later.

I used some of the tools as I read through the manual. I ended up with a guy setting his family's home on fire while hallucinating that they are actually all going on a vacation together, three female roommates that secretly and not-so-secretly hate each other, and an older guy trying to reclaim his youth through sex with younger women. This, after not really writing for months.

The great thing about book itself is that it doesn't just explain the tools in the box and give crappy examples of how to use them. It describes how to use each tool to start a new story, start back into a half-finished one, and even how to combine them more than just "sticks go together, cards go together".

I mentioned earlier that I have a lot of these kinds of books. One thing that this one does, and I love, that none of the others do, is show some examples of using the tools by other authors. Short little vignettes followed by commentary by the author describing their thought process while writing. That was super cool. And the vignettes are enough to inspire you to pick up your pen and start on using the tools yourself.

Not bad for a box I picked up on a whim to use a coupon.

9.5/10

Children's Literature - Dorothy Haas - Trouble At Alcott School (1989)

Is there a reason they made these kids' books readable in twenty minutes? Did they think kids didn't have the stamina to read very much at a time? I can't believe how I took kids' books out of the library and justified it. I could have just sat there and read it!

This was another one of those books I got from some box of kids' books at a garage sale. I actually have three of this short-lived series, this, number four, being the first of those that I own.

The premise of this series is that there are two friends, Polly Butterman, called Peanut for some reason that I don't understand, and Jillian Matthews, called Jilly because it's actually a logical diminutive of her name. Apparently they weren't friends right away? This book seems to imply as such and, as I said, this is the earliest book I have of the series, so I have no way of knowing. Their personalities in this book don't have many differences, which is to say any differences at all. The only difference I can tell is that Peanut is more cynical and downtrodden then Jilly is.

There are several plots in this book, which seems to be a showcase of things that happen at their school, hence the title. The main plot is that their friend, Erin, wore her great aunt's locket to school and then lost it, and they have to find it, especially when notes start showing up implying someone stole it. There is also a scientist biography project subplot which culminates in the students fighting about whether or not inventors count as scientists, as well as a subplot involving a kid named Elvis and his homeless pet mice.

The only thing I have to say about a book that I finished in less time than a sitcom episode is that the least they could have done is made the culprit be someone less obvious. There is a character, Jennifer, who is established several times as a huge cunt. It was obvious from the second the first note showed up that it was her. It would have been so much more interesting if it was Erin's friend Emmy, who went with Erin to go look for it and was participating in trying to find out who stole it. That would have been amazing.

Not bad for what I assume is a very young reader's book.

6.5/10

Steampunk - Various Authors - Extraordinary Engines (2008)

This isn't like the last anthology I read for several reasons. One, this one features short stories only, not novellas. Two, it's steampunk, not retarded. Three, it's actually good.

You may or may not know me in real life, but know this: we had a steampunk wedding. If that doesn't tell you how much love I have for this genre, you can go get a lobotomy, because it's not going to change much. The time period of the industrial revolution encapsulating the Victorian era and the Civil War, plus the sci-fi elements of high technology based on basic invention, and especially the embrace of Tesla-style advancements over our more traditional Edison dependence is just delicious. Like decadent cake covered in addictive frosting. There is very little to go wrong.

This being an anthology of short stories, rather than an actual novel, I'm going to have to go through each story to talk about how well the book is pulled off, but remember, I actually like and wanted to like the whole thing.

"Steampunch" by James Lovegrove is the story that starts off the book, and quite easily the best one in here. Not to say that there aren't other stories I like also, but this one is great. It is my favorite and starts the anthology off very strongly. Come on. Boxing, steam-powered automatons, told in a storyteller's first-second POV? And that ending was super unexpected.

The next story dropped my enthusiasm for the book like a rock. "Static" by Marly Youmans tries to do way too much in a small space and ends up doing it all badly. It introduces an idea of a world irradiated by electricity. Okay. And how that effects daily life. Gotcha. But the police are bad, the main character is a prisoner of her great aunt, there is this guy called a Static investigating a death the main character has no sympathy for, and a climax that just takes maybe a single step down from the nonescalating buildup. Terrible. My least favorite in the whole thing.

"Speed, Speed the Cable" by Kage Baker is apparently a short story based in a universe he has already printed books for, but one that I haven't read. I don't think I have to say anything about it other than to quote the description before the tale.

Resident in California, Kage Baker is the author of the very popular Company series of time-travel novels, in which the twenty-third century Zeus Corporation quickly ransacks the pasts of its treasures using an army of immortal once-human cyborgs.

"Elementals" by Ian R. MacLeod is the first one to introduce thematic ideas, but only seemed to make me think of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell. I felt that it was meh.

If "Steampunch" hadn't been so great, "Machine Maid" by Margo Lanagan would be a solid contender for my favorite. A newly married couple go to their gold-mining ranch, and the wife utterly hates all sexual contact with her husband. I wasn't sure right away that a passage was referring to forced blowjobs right away, but later content confirmed it. And she has a robotic maid that happens to have more than functions relating to housecleaning. The only thing I don't like about this story was the ambiguous ending.

"Lady Witherspoon's Solution" by James Morrow is awesome. Not because of male genital mutilation, but because it uses the journal form extremely well, and introduces an idea of devolution to the Women's Suffrage battle of the time.

"Hannah" by Keith Brooke is another great one. The only problem is that it could have easily been set in more modern times without much change. Though it does raise ethical questions to the medical procedures of yesteryear.

"Petrolpunk" by Adam Roberts is similar to "Static" in that it tries to do too much. Also, I just realized with derision, it's a self-insert story. Blech. Second least favorite for sure. It started strong, but then devolves into people explaining the story in dialogue sloppily.

"American Cheetah" by Robert Reed is not that awesome either. It tastes too much of a western for my tastes. Robot Abraham Lincoln is a Minnesotan sheriff against robot bank robbers. It was at this point that I decided that if there was anything wrong with the anthology, it was the dependence of automatons to drive the story.

"Fixing Hanover" by Jeff VanderMeer is another one about a robot, this time a robot that washes ashore of a castaway settlement. The main character is interesting, but his girlfriend and the other castaways are not. Nice touch, trying to make the girl seem interesting by giving her two different colored eyes. That kind of Mary Sue move only worked for Yuna.

"The Lollygang Save the World on Accident" by Jay Lake is very strange. I'm still not a hundred percent sure what kind of world it was. It seemed like people who lived on a ship for so long that they don't remember the outside, but then again, I might be off. Certainly a weird one that doesn't explain much of what's going on.

"The Dream of Reason" by Jeffrey Ford is the bookending great story. In another world, which is clearly different, but doesn't hesitate to steal from Earth's Victorian society, particularly in the use of Debtor's Prison, there is a scientist that is convinced that stars are diamonds and matter is just slow-moving light. In order to acquire diamond dust, he decides to slow starlight down completely, using the eternal pathways of a human's mind to exhaust its speed. This is a great one because of the psychological element.

So, there are a lot of good ones, a few meh ones, and a couple terrible ones. Not bad for a short story collection. You could probably do worse, and if you're unfamiliar with steampunk, it wouldn't hurt to give it a look-see.

8.5/10