Fantasy - R. Scott Bakker - The Darkness That Comes Before (2003)

I clearly bought this book at a thrift store, but it wasn't a random pick-up like some of my brick-and-mortar store purchases tend to be. I actually had accidentally purchased the fourth book in this series because on the outside it was declared a first book, but told the truth within the covers, and I didn't notice until I was already home. When I saw the first book of this series at Deseret Industries, I had to get it. After all, used it only cost me three bucks.

Anyway.

I originally bought this author, I think, because my brother is a fan of his works. I think. I'm actually not sure. I may even be confusing this dude with someone else he likes. Either way, thick-ass fantasy novel? I'm all over it.

Or at least, I try to be.

It took me a month to read this book, and not really for length at 577 pages in this paperback version. It was simply tedious. I don't even mean boring. The whole book felt more like an info dump rather than telling a story. Thank god for the faction appendix at the end, or I wouldn't be able to keep track of all these Schools, religions, races, governments, and who is associated with what where. It was hard to even keep many of the characters' names straight, let alone who they worked for. And while I'm sure that things happened during the course of reading it, it didn't feel like anything happened at all until the second to last chapter, with the guy, with the face.

This book is about a guy who has a long-standing birthright to become the king of... somewhere? I honestly I have no idea. This is what I mean about it being hard to follow. It's also about this savage dude that hangs around him but hates him and wants to kill his father. The prince guy's dad, not his own. And they acquire a former concubine along the way. But the book is REALLY about how there is this religion that is starting a holy war to acquire a holy city back from the "heathens" that control it, and how some of the first waves of their holy war didn't work out. And also there's a wizard who takes a long time to make notes on what's going on and the prostitute that loves him.

It's really fucking convoluted, but I think it's unnecessarily so. In a book series like A Song of Ice and Fire, convoluted intrigues are important because it's not readily apparent who is in the right. In this, it's not readily apparent either, but mostly because none of these people aspire to DO anything.

Despite all of my criticism, it's not the worst fantasy novel I've ever read, but I certainly hope shit gets going in the next book or I'm going to be mad.

Also, there was no god damn reason to have an appendix that detailed the origins and roots of languages and dialects that DIDN'T EVEN MAKE IT IN THE BOOK.

6/10

Buy it @ Amazon.
Buy it @ Barnes & Noble.

Fantasy - J.R.R. Tolkien - The Hobbit (1937)

Aw jeez. Aw jeez. A lot of people are gonna hate me now.

I'm just gonna come out and say it: I'm not a fan of Tolkien. I read the three LotR books a while ago and was bored to tears. I get that he pioneered the fantasy genre and that many authors look to him for inspiration and there's not a small amount of his ideas in Dungeons and Dragons, but that doesn't mean that I have to like his writing.

That said, I enjoyed this book WAY more than LotR. That doesn't mean much in the grand scheme, however.

This book felt more "for kids" than Amazing Maurice did, and I can't really figure out why. I might have had something to do with the storyteller narrator that was driving me up the wall. I had the same problem with Chronicles of Narnia; the narration breaking the fourth wall by mentioning how you may not be able to imagine it, or how the narrator supposes characters' feelings rather than just telling us the fucking story. If the prose is not in first person, suddenly switching to that POV is jarring and makes me mad.

I think I actually enjoyed reading this BECAUSE we play D&D. I've noticed that it makes me more tolerant of the high fantasy that I hate so much. Fighting trolls, goblins, and giant spiders just feels like a series of modules I would run rather than cliche now.

I am glad that this book was not steeped in appendices and glossaries like LotR is. I may be able to reread that series now that I've reading the prelude.

One final note: why are these dwarves so inaffective? They are constantly getting captured and lost and almost eaten, but then when Bilbo saves them, they treat him like shit? Maybe stop being so useless on an adventure, dipshits. Maybe y'all need a respec.

7.5/10

Young Adult - Terry Pratchett - The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents (2001)

Long time no see! Not much has changed. I just felt frustrated with reviewing the books I read before; I hadn't been enjoying the act of reading knowing that I had a blog post to write immediately after. But after this hiatus, I feel like I am ready to get back in the saddle again. And with a pretty good book too!

The Amazing Maurice and his Educated Rodents is the first YA installment in the acclaimed (both in our home and beyond) Discworld series. Because it is YA, Bryan, who normally reads all the Discworld books, hasn't bothered with it. I read it because it should come after The Last Hero, which ironically is the last Discworld book I read (several years ago, sadly). I think Bryan got me this for some Christmas, but I could be wrong.

This book is about the eponymous Maurice and a bunch of rats that ate some magical refuse from behind the Unseen University and were granted intelligence and the ability to talk. Maurice comes up with a scheme with a "stupid-looking kid" to have him play as the pied piper, and lead these specific rats out for cash. And it works out, for a while. But then they go to Uberwald.

If the title sounds familiar, it's because the idea of an amazing Maurice and some smart rats were briefly mentioned in Reaper Man. It had been such a long time that I had to look that up myself, and I still haven't found it flipping through the book.

While this book is labeled as YA and is found in that section of the bookstore, I don't think it's really YA. It doesn't feel like it, at least. What it is is very Pratchett, very Discworld. There are only four things I can think of that make it YA, and two of them are just Discworldy: there are talking animals, the book is broken up into chapters, there are illustrations to show how rats write in their language, and the ending is pretty clean.

I enjoyed reading this book. I actually stayed up late two nights in a row reading this in bed. As I said, it is very Discworld, and while there aren't many characters from the main series here, save for the obvious ones, it doesn't really matter. It fits the method of Pratchett's stand-alone Discworld books (Like Pyramids and Small Gods), and is engaging. You won't be disappointed with time spent reading this book.

10/10

Fiction - John Grisham - The Testament (1999)

I've never really endeavored to read what I call a "beach book"--that is, a book that comes out usually around summer and is a bestseller because it is a lot of action and little thought, meant to be read on airplanes and on shores by vacationers. I haven't read Dan Brown, and I never read John Grisham until now.

Technically, this book is Bryan's. He bought it for his Modern Literature class. I guess the teacher had him underline a line in the first chapter: "The money is the root of my misery."

This has little to do with the book, but I'm going to dig into this subject anyway. Bryan's ModLit teacher was a dumbass. For one thing, this book came out in '99 and we graduated in '04. There is no fucking way that this book could be called modern literature. At the very best, it would be contemporary literature, and the use of the L word would be shaky at best. Modern is from about 1850ish to about 1950ish. Everything else after is contemporary. My ModLit teacher had a giant girl boner for the Harlem Renaissance, and we never really got much farther than that. For the next thing, Grisham is not literature. It's a beach book. Sold in airports and convenience stores in coastal towns. That sentence is not a theme for the book at all, and not just because this book doesn't have a theme, other than things always work out for everyone. It's fiction, sure. Lawyer fiction, absolutely. Action? Well, there's a plane and boat crash, so I might be able to grant you that. Literature? Fuck no.

So why did I read it? I hate the fact that there is a book in my collection that I won't read, even if I know going into it that it's not going to be the deepest of stories. And it really isn't.

Some old rich guy makes a handwritten will that cuts all of his legitimate children off and hands his billions to an illegitimate daughter in Brazil who is a missionary and couldn't care less. Then he kills himself. Enter the law firm that fixed up all his other wills. They have to uphold it, even though the legitimate children are swooping in to say that the guy was not in his right mind, he didn't know what he was doing, give me some goddamned money motherfucker. They have to find the girl, so they send someone in their firm that's yanked out of rehab for alcoholism and send him to Brazil to find her.

In On Writing by Stephen King, he mentions that many books that people read on planes or whatever are for people who don't read. They have the book because otherwise they would be reading a magazine or sleeping. But when someone makes a mention of them reading a novel, they feel shame and say, "Yeah, but I'm learning so much about Subject X from this book." Because apparently reading is shameful in today's society.

The bulk of The Testament is a foray down the rivers and swamps of southeastern Brazil, and a huge exploration of the culture, climate, and geography there. The chapters are studded with Portuguese words for things we have our own words for, and explorations into how the residents live day to day and feel about Americans and their own Indians. In any other context, I might have been interested by it, but it was clear to me that Grisham was putting it in to teach the reader something, so they could point to the book and say what they learned from it, rather than how it resonated with them. Because it doesn't.

I didn't like this, if you couldn't tell. The whole thing was one predictable development after another, and at no point does it make the reader have to accept anything hard. Nothing particularly difficult happens, and the conflict itself is asinine. Not to mention that a super rich old guy bitching about having too much money sounds like whining on the part of the author.

If you don't like your wads of cash from your mediocre books, hand it over to me. I'm sure I could make a home for it.

3.5/10

Horror - Various Authors - The Living Dead (2008)

The reason it has been over two weeks since the last post has nothing to do with the quality of this book. What it does have to do with is that I had a job interview, a trip to Seattle (for PAX, which was AMAZING), and now I'm sick. Somewhere in there I was reading through this tome, which boasts just under 500 pages of short story zombie goodness.

I've mentioned before how I feel about zombie literature in my review of World War Z, but this book has 34 short stories in it, by both people I know of and love, those I know of and am okay with, and those I didn't know about before. With such a wide selection, there is ample opportunity for slips of "ugh" and "WTF", but overall the experience was positive, and made flying 2.5 hours and fighting a head cold more pleasant than it could have been.

Please note that Blogger won't let me tag every author involved. I'll include the author names and the associated story on each brief rundown.

"This Year's Class Picture" by Dan Simmons is, thankfully, one of the few "zombies are coming OMG" stories in this bad boy, and features a former teacher who wrangles together some of her former students who are now zombies to teach them, as if nothing happened. The automation of the ending is what solidified it for me. Also having a moat around the school made of gasoline was so awesome.

"Some Zombie Contingency Plans" by Kelly Link roots itself deeply into WTF Terrace. Here, the zombies are not walking around and eating human flesh. They are among a myriad of other worries a guy has. I can't even tell you what goes on in this story. Some guy who stole some art went to jail, but then got out, and now is at some party, and he's also talking to himself about stuff, and then he kidnaps the hostess's little brother? What?

"Death and Suffrage" by Dale Bailey started off fucking great, but then kind of devolved into some bullshit having to do with accidental shootings of kids. Why the fuck should I care about that when there are zombies coming up from the dead and all voting for the guy against guns?

"Ghost Dance" by Sherman Alexie is another one in WTF Nation. A detective guy goes into a fugue state and sees all this shit happen, and it has something to do with the Battle of Little Big Horn. Though this story did teach me about Lysol sandwiches.

"Blossom" by David J. Schow was the very first story that I wanted to share. Zombie sex. Naked woman eating flowers. A man's penis bit off by a rigor mortis vagina. What's not to love?

"The Third Dead Body" by Nina Kiriki Hoffman was the first, I think, to reference voodoo curses in the anthology. In this, a woman is killed by a serial killer and buried in his favorite spot. But because her grandmother put a curse on her for snitching on her pedophile grandfather, she wakes up with a raging girl boner for the guy who killed her, and is able to bring him to justice.

"The Dead" by Michael Swansick probably would have worked better if it had been placed in the book before "Blossom". It's just not shocking to see a woman fucking a corpse after a dead vagina has ripped a penis off.

"The Dead Kid" by Darrell Schweitzer is another one of those zombie stories that doesn't paint them to be shambling monsters, which I like. Instead, it's more like a hurt animal some bully kids find and then torture because they are cruel. Also, they piss on him.

"Malthusian's Zombie" by Jeffrey Ford is very Lovecraftian, to me, or maybe even Shelley-like. A family lives next to this weird little man who tells the guy about this experiment he conducted on something he called a zombie. Then the little man dies, and things get weird.

"Beautiful Stuff" by Susan Palwick is amazing. Simply amazing. A perfect show of how we don't appreciate what we have. Buy this fucking book, if only for this one short story.

"Sex, Death and Starshine" by Clive Barker is actually pretty terrible. It's based entirely around a Shakespearean play being put on starring a subpar soap opera actress. And then there are zombie guys and attacks. I've never read Clive Barker before, but this was a terrible introduction. It just took too long to get anywhere where I am supposed to care. Everyone is just a fucknut.

"Stockholm Syndrome" by David Tallerman is another good one. Surprising, since it's the hungry horde flavor of undead. But there is a guy that has shut himself up in a house, and watches a smart zombie break into the house across the street without doing anything, knowing full well a family is holed up there.

"Bobby Conroy Comes Back from the Dead" by Joe Hill has no real zombies. It's a love story that takes place on the set of Dawn of the Dead between a couple of extras dolled up like zombies, and the girl's son with her husband. It's sweet, from someone who doesn't really like romance.

"Those Who Seek Forgiveness" by Laurell K. Hamilton is the Anita Blake story I know you saw in the tags and was wondering about. According to the description, this short story was the first thing Hamilton wrote having to do with Anita Blake at all, and let me tell you, this was the first of her Anita Blake stuff I've read. If the rest of the series is anything like this story, which granted, had a lot of plot holes, but was entertaining, I might consider getting into it.

"In Beauty, Like the Night" by Norman Patridge is one that, I am ashamed to say, I don't quite remember. I know that it's about a guy like Hugh Hefner retreating to his private island with his favorite models, only the models die in an accident and stalk him on his paradise. Don't remember much else.

"Prairie" by Brian Evenson I only remember because it was riddled with words I didn't know. Like fumid. Also, it's super short.

"Everything Is Better With Zombies" by Hannah Wolf Bowen is more of a coming-of-age story than a zombie one. It's a little ambiguous if zombies are even existent in the world of the story, but it mostly surrounds two youths that recently graduated.

"Home Delivery" by Stephen King. I know you saw that name on the cover up there. It reads like traditional King fare, with a large thing happening with many people, and it affecting someone in a more scaled-down way. In this case, a pregnant woman having to give birth during the zombie uprising where all the men are out defending their town from the creatures.

"Less Than Zombie" by Douglas E. Winter is about some crazy kids and their late night antics. These aren't nice antics, though. They are dark, gritty antics. That results in them killing one of their friends for laughs. Don't do drugs, kids.

"Sparks Fly Upward" by Lisa Morton could have been SO much better. Your story is about abortion and it's in a zombie anthology? Sign me the fuck up for aborted fetus zombies. Oh, that's your proof that they aren't really human? Oh. That's, uh... less entertaining. Sigh.

"Meathouse Man" by George R.R. Martin is perfect. Fucking amazing. I know, you may think that I'm just gushing because it's GRRM, but this is so deliciously sci-fi and emotional and YES. So great. Don't buy this book for "Beautiful Stuff". Buy it for "Meathouse Man". Please. PLEASE.

"Deadman's Road" by Joe R. Lansdale is why I didn't finish reading this until today. I had been reading this before to avoid packing for PAX. Upon starting to read this, however, I didn't want to any more. It may be a personal thing, but the dialect in this western zombie story (and now you know why I hate it) was so spot-on (which may be considered a good thing to others) that I started speaking in my southern accent again, against my will. And I worked hard to get rid of that shit. That, and the story isn't very compelling. So poop.

"The Skull-Faced Boy" by David Barr Kirtley I read on the plane. Maybe it was the experience of being on a plane for two and a half hours, but the idea of selling out the girl you like to a zombie general does not seem like a great way to get to see her again.

"The Age of Sorrow" by Nancy Kilpatrick is a much better depiction, I think, of how a middle-aged woman would survive being the "last man" in the zombie apocalypse than that of "This Year's Class Picture". It made me feel good as a woman, even though I know full well I couldn't do the same.

"Bitter Grounds" by Neil Gaiman is the most WTF story in this whole book. A guy abandons his life, tries to be a Good Samaritan, gets lost, and then assumes the other guy's identity. Also Haitian coffee girl zombies. What? Huh? Gaiman, I love you and all, but what the fucking shit?

"She's Taking Her Tits to the Grave" by Catherine Cheek has the best title ever, forever. But if you've seen Death Becomes Her, you know all you need to know about this story.

"Dead Like Me" by Adam-Troy Castro is another good one. Not "Meathouse Man" good, but still good. Remember in World War Z how they talked about people who would act like the undead in order to go undetected by them? This story is about two people who do the same, and don't even know each others' names.

"Zora and the Zombie" by Andy Duncan is a weird one. Not "Bitter Grounds" weird. Not by a long shot. But it's always weird when a real person is a character in a fictional story. In this case, it is Zora Neale Hurston. But there is a voodoo witch doctor or whatever they like to be called. So it harks back to the origin of zombies.

"Calcutta, Lord of Nerves" by Poppy Z. Brite is another odd one, but because it takes so much from Indian culture, which I am less than versed in. Is Poppy Z. Brite heavy on the mythology in her other stuff? This is the first I've ever read.

"Followed" by Will McIntosh is another good one, but this is one that I would love to see expanded into a full novel. There just isn't enough meat here. The idea is that when a zombie is raised, it is drawn to someone who either caused or had a hand in its death, I think. It's not clearly laid out. But this guy is like a nice guy all around. He can't figure out why this Southeast Asian girl zombie is following him, and he can't convince anyone anymore that he doesn't deserve it. It's good, but needs more.

"The Song the Zombie Sang" by Harlan Ellison and Robert Silverberg is one I tried reading yesterday, while sick, and fell asleep during. I don't know if that really has something to say about the quality. It does seem to sink into Metaphor Marsh without much care for the quality of the story itself. I personally think it was trying too hard.

"Passion Play" by Nancy Holder is interesting, if only for the truth melded into it about the play about Jesus. Also, the aspect of how old religion would be able to stand during the zombie apocalypse is interesting as well.

"Almost the Last Story by Almost the Last Man" by Scott Edelman is blech. I know that it's meant to sound disjointed because it's about a writer trying to make sense of living through the undead rising, but does it have to be steeped in cliche? I didn't like it at all.

"How the Day Runs Down" by John Langan is unique to this book, and though it is built like a play, it does such a great job of segmenting the zombie apocalypse into slices of life, as well as that story about the mom and her kids... It's great. The twist at the end is interesting, but not unexpected. I still like it, though.

Again, buy this book, if only for "Meathouse Man". You will find several other jewels here.

9.0/10

Urban Fantasy - Cat Adams - Blood Song (2010)

The short version of this review is that I really didn't like this.

You're staying for the long version? That's a lot of mettle.

Let us begin with the author. There is no person named Cat Adams that wrote this book. The name is an amalgamation of the two authors' names, C.T. Adams and Cathy Clamp. Now, I understand collaborations. I understand using pen names. I understand simplifying it to one name. What I don't understand is why you would have a pen name when you just use your real names and your separate identities in your acknowledgements and author's note? I'm not talking about the copyright page. That's fine. But making it extremely clear that two of you wrote it without putting it on the cover of your book? Go to jail.

Next up, let's discuss the main character. Her name is Celia Graves. Graves. As in, where your coffin goes. And this is an urban fantasy involving a person being turned into a half-vampire abomination (that's even the technical term they use). Also, and I've only ever seen Charles de Lint avoid this trap, why are all urban fantasy heroines gun-toting, sarcastic, and slutty? It's like if the girl isn't feisty and has an arsenal under her coat, she's not interesting. In this case, the main character is a bodyguard against paranormal beings like vampires, werewolves, ghouls, and demons. Big fucking surprise. And she's haunted, a fact she doesn't mention until between a third and a half way in. I'll get back to this bitch.

The reason I didn't like it had nothing to do with vampires, okay? It's no secret that I loathe Stephenie Meyer and her Twilight series. But that doesn't mean that all vampires suck (see what I did there?). Fat White Vampire Blues was great. But far too often does it fall into this trap of vampires are evil, vampires are sexy, vampires are awesome. And this book is no exception.

My main problem with the book is that it felt like it was written by two people, and that new ideas were added in haphazardly without a thought to changing the prior writing. This process is otherwise known as rewriting. The whole thing read like a first draft. Every time a new character or setting was introduced, the story would come to a full stop so that the main character could describe it in excruciating detail. I don't have a problem with description. This was badly handled. Intersperse your details in the action, and broad brush your initial description sections. Don't say a character has blue eyes. Say that they narrowed their blue eyes.

During the first half of the book, Celia is supposed to be chasing down her vampire "sire", and destroy him before he comes back to finish the job with her. At halfway through, the problem just goes away deus ex machina style, when a background character produces the guy's head in a bag. Then, it became this thing with another vampire completely, and it's still not mentioned why anyone should care.

After the climax of the book, Celia's grandmother pulls her aside and tell her that she is one-fourth siren, a creature that, up until now, we had no idea existed in this world. During the resolution, they are having a funeral for Celia's best friend. Some bitch comes in during eulogies and interrupts the whole thing by singing. When Celia calls her on it, she proclaims that she's some kind of siren princess, and that Celia was the one being rude.

So much effort is put into making Celia some kind of victim too. Sure, she's a bodyguard and all, but her sister is dead! She was kidnapped when she was little! She was half-turned into a vampire! She can't eat solid food! She upset some supernatural royalty and now has to have a fight to the death with her! It sounds more like these two authors were trying to shoehorn every idea they ever had into one book, and it just looks schizophrenic.

This would have all been solved if they had just done a little world-building. Holy symbols, water, and ground are harmful to most of these predatory creatures, but somehow not a lot of people go to church? Why not? And if the existence of these creatures is well known, why aren't more precautions beyond "hire a guy" taken?

All in all, it was terrible. Would not suggest you buy it, let alone read it.

2.0/10

Franchise Fiction - James Wyatt - Dragon Forge (2009)

I did say that I had started reading the next book in this series already. I finished it yesterday, but since I've recently posted here about the book before this one, there isn't too much to be said. Much of what I said before is still true.

That being said, there was a few more parts I didn't like and a few more parts that I did. For one thing, it turns out that the changeling is a member of the Royal Eyes. That makes him a lot less interesting now, because the Royal Eyes commonly use changelings as spies. But the fact that he didn't spend as much time doing spy work made up for it. Instead, he befriended a bunch of misfit warriors and traveled into the Demon Wastes, which I though was cool. The Labyrinth stuff was awesome, and Vor was the greatest character they had in the stable. An orc paladin that used to guard the Wastes and who let a pregnant human go because she was carrying his child? More of that, please! And of course he had to kill him off. Because nobody can really be interesting.

Something I didn't like was the whole marital issues between Gaven and Rienne. I am not reading your parts about going to Argonnessen because I want to hear about how Rienne thinks Gaven is self-absorbed. I don't give two fucks. Get to the being slaughtered by dragons, please. And this book in particular tries to hard to make Gaven special. Sure, he's the Storm Dragon, but I don't see what that had to do with their abomination machine.

Though, to be fair, I didn't understand how their abomination machine was supposed to work. In attempts to keep the whole thing cloaked in mysticism, Wyatt leaves the reader in the dark about the thing the damn book was named after. I still couldn't tell you what it was supposed to do.

I do appreciate, for reals though, the budding romance between Cart and Ashara. A warforged and a member of the house that built the warforged? That's the kind of shit that I crave. But watch, the next book will start with Ashara contracting a fast-acting disease called spear-to-the-face, just like everyone else with any interesting qualities.

Finally, these people don't know what dragonborn and eladrin are? What? Have they never been to Q'barra? What about hearing about the feyspires? These are kind of a big deal. If you know what a tiefling is, there is absolutely no reason you shouldn't recognize a dragonborn or eladrin when you see them, you guys. I thought you were all well-traveled and shit. :P

4.5/10